The Mom I Thought I Would Be
As I sit here in my living room past the midnight hour, with a feverish infant in the next room I have suddenly found a few moments to tap out some words on this keyboard.
Six months ago I thought I would be a documentarian. A historian. The careful crafter of stories full of appreciation for my daughter, as redemption for the loss of my son. Harnessing the power of emotion from within I thought I would be able to make others laugh and cry, but I never knew the emotion of being a mother would for me be a mess of tangled wires.
I thought I would be a superwoman. Never would I have believed that I would be the person whose downstairs neighbor would knock because I forgot to shut the bathtub water off. The rigorous schedule I set for myself deteriorating into a farcical race to just “get it all done” without ever realizing that I had forgotten to eat or use the bathroom for the entire day.
When my daughter got sick, I thought I would unravel, but that burst of adrenaline that mommy gets when her child is in trouble is still inside me. Once I got the call from daycare I had a purpose, and I made it there in the record time, all the while strategizing about what I would do if the news were tragic once I arrived at the other end. In 100 degree heat, I walked two miles, visited four pharmacies, carried my daughter, my work satchel, two bottles of formula, Pedialyte, and two gourmet sodas. I told myself “I don’t know how I am going to do this” but I did it and I really didn’t believe I could without melting down.
In many ways, I thought I would be so much more. A chef of fine organic baby cuisine. An instructor of baby sign language and French. A knitter of heirloom quality baby garments. A person that could keep my apartment somewhat organized. That isn’t the mom I am yet, and probably is not the mom I will ever become. But I am a mom who has gotten a lot further than I ever thought I could. A survivor who didn’t think I could make it through that first emotional month… or the colic…or teething…or this bout of a little something viral. Maybe it has taken me a long time to get back here, but I’m here now.
